Skynetflix

There are a lot of theories as to how the world will end.  The most vividly realized scenario is a robot-fueled apocalypse resulting in human genocide and at least one bitchin’ motorcycle chase.  I’m of course referring to Skynet, the self-propagating, sentient military defense network from the Terminator series.  This was a terrifying notion until recently when an army of mysteriously betoothed killer robots were replaced by a strategically-shadowed, naked Austrian man who lives in a factory that only makes fire.

However, it’s fairly well-known that our military is developing technology that points in this direction.  While it’s true that unmanned drones are a great way to avoid getting soldiers dead, titanium killing machines are still a worrisome prospect.  But the nightmare of an android rapture is more likely to come from subterfuge.  I’m referring of course, to Netflix.

It’s my belief that the beloved purveyor of DVD’s and streaming movies like Earth Girls Are Easy is silently gathering intelligence crucial to the annihilation of the human race.  

I’ve kept a detailed list of the disturbingly specific recommendations that Netflix has made for me over the last four months:

Understated Independent Crime Movies

Critically-acclaimed Mind-bending Dramas

Cerebral Foreign Documentaries

Independent Suburban-dysfunction Comedies

Violent Revenge Horror Movies

Movies starring Tom Berenger

Dark Biographical Documentaries

Witty Comedies from the 1970s

Understated Independent Crime Movies

Dark Movies starring Sissy Spacek

Campy Revenge Action & Adventure

Feel-good Independent Comedies

 

 

If Netflix can deduce this much from my rental history, what’s next?  I’ll tell you what’s next, Jack.  Economic information to implode the world’s economy, missile codes, and possibly the necessary steps to turn all birds against us.  Imagine every speaker in the world playing Nickelback in unison.  If that’s not a ghastly enough, you might already be one of them; a skinjob, tinman, a toaster.

 

So it’s with this information that I ask you to join the resistance.  But fret not, the ragtag path to salvation isn’t to cancel your Netflix account.  Mass termination would only arouse suspicion, plummeting membership prices to irresistible depths.  No, what I’m asking of you is to confuse the enemy and eventually turn it on itself.  Remove every good movie from your queue.  Anything even on the edge of decency.  Populate your account with the worst do-not-pass-go-go-directly-to-video dreck possible.  I’m talking Kickboxer 4, Giant Octopus Vs. Mega Shark, anything with Paul Walker, any Sci-Fi originals, and anything starring Nicolas Cage from the last four to six years.  Don’t add one Charlie’s Angels movie, add them both.  If we do this, I believe we can convince Netflix that we’re too stupid to bother crushing.

 

I’m also calling on Hollywood.  We’re gonna need more remakes and I’m going to have to ask Robert DeNiro to retire.  I wanna see Heat remade with the cast of The Hills, Back to the Future starring a dog, and Indiana Jones Pet Detective.  You guys have been doing a bang-up job thus far, but there are depths yet to be plumbed.  If we’re going to stay out of nuclear fire, I have to see Larry the Cable Guy as Batman and Cool Hand Luke starring Queen Latifah.  Wayans brothers, I’m looking at you.  Humanity needs to be drowning in Disaster Movies, Dance Flicks, and White Chicks.  We’ve proven to painfully retarded so far, but it’s not enough.  I’m going to have to mandate that James Cameron not release Avatar in December.  And Michael Mann, I’m sorry, you’re just going to have to retire.  We can’t afford to have any substance or intelligence floating around where people might see it.  It’s going to be a hard road.  Alcoholism will likely assume a stranglehold over the entire country and it’s possible that Canada could finally take a shot at invasion.  But it’s worlds better than being under the lash of emotionless, titanium killing machines.

 

We can do this, we can prevail.  If you’re reading this, you are the resistance.